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It was bound to happen sometime. A month that just doesn’t go as well as others. A month when The Scale wouldn’t be my best friend for a change. And a day when I would have to blog about bad news and failure and disappointments. That day has arrived, my friends. While last month’s struggle surprisingly resulted in some weight loss after all, this month has not. I ended the month of April with a weight of 104,7 kg (230,3 lbs). A month before I had been 1,2 kg (2,6 lbs) lighter. Oops.

So what happened? Actually, it’s not exactly rocket science. First of all, April was a very busy month. I had a lot of extra theater rehearsals, which resulted in either eating out or ordering in. Pizza, sushi, fries, you know, not the healthiest food.

Second of all, my second month of snack abstinence had come to an end, which meant I could eat sugary treats again. And it just happened to be that my mother had given me an Easter present which was a pound of marzipan covered in chocolate. So… Yeah.

Tanya's 101 ~ Losing Weight - Failure vs. Strength | How I stayed strong in my diet even after gaining weight

And third of all, I hadn’t moved my butt one bit in April. Okay, I have been lindy hopping from time to time, which is good of course. But remember the walks I made every day a couple of months ago? They are completely non-existent now. Not because I don’t want to walk, but because I don’t know how to fit this in the busy schedule I am living lately. I hope I’ll find a way again, because I really enjoyed them and they worked!

The fourth reason for gaining weight might not be so obvious as the others. April was the month I chose to finish my cookbook goal. Which meant I still had to cook three recipes from three different cookbooks. The first recipe was Cheese Soup. Yes, cheese. I don’t have to tell you where cheese travels to in your body, right? This particular cheese had a nice holiday on my belly, butt and upper legs, trust me. The recipes that followed however, Cinnamon Drumsticks with Couscous and Mango Shrimp Curry, didn’t seem so harmful at all. But the shrimps and the drumsticks surprisingly also booked Hotel Fat Cell on my body. This might have something to do with the fact that I absolutely loved these dishes. And when I love my food, there’s no stopping me. So even though I ate fairly healthy, I ate way too much. And while that was perfectly satisfying at the time, it wasn’t so much anymore when the end of the month drew nearer.

Because then the moment came when I was confronted with my number. 104,7 kg and no day left in the month. This was it. This was the weight I would have to deal with. And also the weight I would have to blog about. I don’t know which I found worse. Both gave me the terrible feeling that I had failed.

Tanya's 101 ~ Losing Weight - Failure vs. Strength | How I stayed strong in my diet even after gaining weight

But had I? Come to think about it, I had not. Even though I had noticed my weight change in the wrong direction, I hadn’t thrown in the towel. I was still trying to eat healthy whenever I could, I wasn’t binge eating snacks (no, that one-pound marzipan bar didn’t pass my stomach in just one day) and most importantly, I was still determined to accomplish my goal of losing 30 kg. In the past, gaining weight would have led me to believe a healthy weight and a nice figure wasn’t written in the stars for me.

But this time it felt different. F*ck the stars, it’s what I do myself what determines whether I’ll succeed or not, right? I was the one that had let this weight gain happen, and I’m also the one who has the power to turn it around again. This sounds logical, but logic mostly isn’t one of my skills when I’m confronted with disappointment. So this is a true break point for me! And therefore I have not failed, but I have gained a lot more than just weight! I have gained the power to keep on going and the power to get myself back together again.

So in the end, this is not a blog article about failure, this is an article about strength. And while that makes me proud and all, just between you and me, I sincerely hope next month’s article will be about weight loss again.

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